It’s Back

October is back.

Four years ago, come October 20 something my cousin took this picture. It was taken the day of my Boston’s service celebrating his life and mourning his loss of it after The Accident.

October is back. Again.

I think of Rapunzel’s mom in Tangled when Rapunzel tells her mother that her birthday is coming and her mother responds, “I thought you had a birthday last year!” Rapunzel’s response, “Well, birthdays do come once a year, Mother.” Just as Octobers come once a year and I can do nothing about it.

After The Accident and the day of Boston’s service we had an inn full of family and friends. One cousin was there, and we had walked with him and his wife before and during their daughter’s going Home and he had brought a bottle of wine that they had saved to celebrate her life. The four of us sat on the back porch and we drank it together, remembering our children. After they had gone inside, Mike and I stood up and looked behind us. The most majestic sunset I have ever seen graced the skies in front of us. It was phenomenal. Another cousin snapped this picture from my kitchen window when she saw Mike and I embraced and watching together. The tree was bright orange and the sky looked like it was on fire.

Since that day, that tree has not become that bright orange with fall and the sky has not been as majestic. Was Jesus loving us in those moments after a hard day? I choose to believe so. I believe that he remembers us and loves us and knows when we need a reminder of his presence.

As the calendar ticks closer to October, there are a lot of things that I can become anxious about. Sometimes when my fuse is short with my children, I want to blame it on October. I want to say, “It’s October! I have a right to be cranky with everyone around me!” But I also must remember that there are other grievers around me who are just as broken as I am. I am not alone. There is a comfort and a sadness with that. I don’t want this for my children or for my husband.

I have been blessed with a friend, who wrote postcards for each day in the month of October. On each postcard she wrote a Bible verse. A Bible verse for each day of the month of October. A verse to remind me that Jesus loves me. Jesus hears me. Jesus groans with me. Jesus died for this.

My heart doesn’t hurt just in October. It hurts all year around. The scab just seems to rip and bleed a lot during October. It’s no small thing to wake up in the morning after you have lost a child. It’s a big deal. With each wake up it, proves that he sustains us. For the next 29 days, I plan on clinging to Psalm 3:5, “I lay down and slept, I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.” He promised he would.

He will sustain me tomorrow and the next day. Each day will be filled with new mercies, and I hope that I will also be reminded of his great love for me and of the gospel.