I watched this video today.  I probably shouldn’t have, seeing that it’s the anniversary of the day my son passed away.  Eli was 10 weeks older then the baby in this video.  But this video has been running around Facebook and I usually stay away from this stuff, but it sucked me in….

I usually have a hard time with these videos, and it’s not because I’m not grateful for seeing the life that was saved.  I am.  I love it when babies live.  Love it.  The hard part for me is this:  “My baby is alive because we prayed.”  “Isn’t God good? This baby is alive through our prayers.”  “Look at His goodness.  This baby is alive!”

As a mom who is a Calvinist and who believes strongly in Jesus’ sovereignty AND prayer.  I use to watch these videos and read comments and I’d be MAD.  A few times I told my husband, “I PRAYED TOO!  WE PRAYED!  Why hell don’t we have our kid with us!?!?!”

My struggle is that we, as Christians, have a selfish view on prayer and what Jesus wants for us.  We claim that He wants us to be happy.  Jesus never once said He wanted us to be happy.  Never.  He calls for our sacrifice and our holiness and our sanctification.  We are never going to be “happy” on this earth.  We will feel moments of happiness, but never FULL happiness.

Jesus doesn’t want our happiness, He wants our LIFE.  ALL. OF. IT.  The good. The bad. The hard. The wrecked up mess that it is.  All of it.

Jesus never said that we wouldn’t suffer.  He never said that when we pray He’s going to give us what we want.  Because we want it.  No, He said, that He was going to give us what HE saw was best.  Even if it’s the hardest, darkest portion of our lives.

My heart hurts for families who will not attend church anymore because when they were in hardship they were told that because their faith was weak that was why they were suffering.  That is the harshest, meanest, untrue thing that a leader in a church can tell someone suffering.

Our LORD suffered.  He suffered for US.  What makes us so special that we wouldn’t suffer on this earth.  That we wouldn’t be wrecked and broken?  Was God not good when His Son was suffering?  I would even offer that God was at His most good WHEN His Son was suffering.  Why? Because He was suffering FOR US!  He was giving HIS life for us while we were/are wretched sinners.  So that we may suffer here on Earth, but that we would have JOY because our HOPE is in what HE suffered for us and our ETERNAL life with HIM.

I believe in prayer.  I believe that Jesus heals.  I also believe in His sovereignty.  I believe that He knows the beginning and the end of time.  He knows the number of my days and He knows the number of my kids’ days.   I believe He is good in it ALL.  The hard parts and the sweet parts.

I will be joyful with and for the babies who live and the parents who get to love on them.  I will also weep for the babies who go Home too soon and with their parents as they cry and struggle.  In both, we can see His goodness.  His steadfastness.  His grace.  His mercy.  He died for both.  He died for our pain.  He died for our suffering, so we can have HOPE and we can live forever with Him.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

When things don’t turn out the way we want…