I know it’s been a long time….there are a couple reasons for this:

1.  We’ve had company all summer and we’ve had a wonderful time.  Most days I think I’d sit at the computer for about 15 minutes and then race away to make dinner or attend to the kids.  We had grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters…you name it, they were here.  It was a lot of fun, but it was a full and busy around here.  And,

2.  I had to take a break.  I had to refocus.  Sometimes I get stuck in the rut of pain and it’s hard for me to get out.  That in and of itself is a whole other post, but I’ll save that for later.

During all of the fun, we found out that I was pregnant again.  Baby number five will come the beginning of March.  We’re excited, but we’re nervous.  Pregnancy is not always easy for us, and precautions need to be taken.  We spoke with our doctor and we’ve set up a plan for the next couple of months.  We’re hoping and praying that things will be easier then last time.  

Fear is my biggest struggle.  I have struggled with fear and vain imaginations for as long as I can remember.  When I’m pregnant, and especially since Eli passed away, fear can grip me and it can grip me quickly if I don’t give it over to Jesus quickly.  It’s a constant battle for me.

This past year we’ve been walking alongside friends who are grieving.  Three of whom had stillborn babies and the other two their babies passed away from SIDS at four months.   It has been a difficult and trying year for our friends, and we have been able to see God’s glory be revealed through Eli’s death by talking and sharing with each of these ladies (and husbands), some in a small way and others much deeper, what Jesus has taught us through the loss of a child.   We have been blessed to get to know these families in a deeper way and to share a struggle that is so deep and so hard to walk through.

Because the loss of a child is so real to our family, I struggle with fear that something will happen in the pregnancy or after the child is born.  It is a fear that can grip me so tightly I’d lose my breath.  It is something that I daily pray against or push so far out of the way that I cause myself to not even feel.  Because we’ve been walking with these families, I can quickly jump on an idea that something similar is going to happen to us.  When I do that, I’m not trusting in my Lord, but instead in my fear and my imagination.

Our prayer is that we have a healthy child, but moreso that we’d believe and hold fast to Jesus’ sovereignty.   He is the Maker.  The Creator of each of our children.  Our children have fulfilled His plan or are currently fulfilling it.   He knows what is best for us and what is right.  His hand is in everything and every detail of each of our children and in our lives.  If the Lord has us walk through the desert again, so be it, because He knows what is best.  We have nothing to fear. 

We feel very honored and blessed to be where we are now.  We would not have learned the things we learned if we hadn’t had the experiences that we’ve had.  Those experiences can cause us to run away from our Lord or cause us to run into Him.  We want to run into Him.  Knowing that we’re safe there and we trust His plan. 

I am praying that fear does not grip me, so that I can enjoy the season that the Lord has put me in.  That each time we hear that sweet heartbeat we would be overjoyed and anxious for that precious little one’s arrival.  If a hard season is ahead, I trust that Jesus is there holding our hands and walking us through.

Psalm 139

1O LORD, you have searched me and known me!

2You  know when I sit down and when I rise up;
   you discern my thoughts from afar.
3You search out my path and my lying down
   and are acquainted with all my ways.
4Even before a word is on my tongue,
   behold, O LORD,  you know it altogether.
5You  hem me in, behind and before,
   and lay your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
   it is high; I cannot attain it.

 7Where shall I go from your Spirit?
   Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9If I take the wings of the morning
   and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10even there your hand shall lead me,
   and your right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
   and the light about me be night,”
12even the darkness is not dark to you;
   the night is bright as the day,
   for darkness is as light with you.

 13For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.
15My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.

 17How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
18If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
   I awake, and I am still with you.

 19Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
   O men of blood, depart from me!
20They speak against you with malicious intent;
   your enemies take your name in vain!
21Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
   And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22I hate them with complete hatred;
   I count them my enemies.

 23Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!
24And see if there be any grievous way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting!

This Post Has One Comment

  1. carol fiske

    Michelle, I haven’t been into your blog for a while, as this summer has been crazy. I was so excited to hear that you and Mike were going to have another baby. I know the fear that can grip you, and even a deep faith and trust in the Lord, you both have walked through some very long dark valleys. God sees your hearts and he knew he could trust you with Tulle and Eli. He knew you would love Tulle for who she is and not for what she can and cannot do, and He knew that you would allow him to call Eli home to him and not become enslaved to hate and losing your faith. We have both faced every parents nightmares losing a child, and we know the pain, the heartache and the emptiness that brings. Yet you persevered and had Ellison and now another precious life will be added to your family. I realized one day that I have more children in Heaven than I have on earth. Four miscarriages, one pretty far along and of course Amy, I look forward to the day when I will see them again, as I know you do with Eli. You will be in our prayers, that the Lord will keep you healthy, will all the children you have to take care of every day, and we pray for a healthy baby to add to your household..Blessings to you all…Carol

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