These past months have tested this hashtag to the max. It really is just a hashtag, but it is also holds much truth and difficult to swallow. The day of the accident, I thought, “Jesus is enough.” He is. I KNOW He is and these words have been challenging for me to write at the end of each post regarding the accident on Facebook for the world to see. #Jesusisenough It is true for some and untrue for others, but I think to have a life full of hope and joy it can only be true for all.
Three months and nine days ago, my youngest son died in a car accident right outside my front door. We were waiting for company to arrive. It was sunny. It had been a lovely morning. The kids had been playing so nicely together. We had gotten chores done and played. Lunch was ready and waiting for our company. I turn around to my husband’s face yelling, screaming, distorted. That face that you never want to see. His arms full of our hurt and dead child, when just less then 45 minutes before our sweet boy had stopped in the kitchen for a hug from me.
It’s surreal. Even several months later, when we should be “used to” the quiet now-we aren’t. It’s too quiet. It’s not right.
I remember things from that afternoon, but I don’t remember everything. Memories come and go. When our second son passed away, it’s the same thing…I remember some things, like the nurse telling us she baptized our son, because she wanted to make sure he made it to heaven…
He was enough then, He’s enough now.
My heart has ached before. The loss of a child. It has ached like no other, but it seems different now. An ache, yes, but such severe, hard and broken sadness. With the knowledge of our broken world and the sin that is everywhere and how even though we are His we are not out of the reach of suffering. We are in His grip, we are His children, but we will not be saved from the struggles and darkness of the world. We can only live in it.
He is enough for us to survive it and maybe, just maybe, be more mature and sanctified because of this world’s pain and brokenness, because
I cannot survive this without Him. Without Jesus. This is why He died. He died for THIS.
I remind myself of the Gospel all the time. It’s all I do some days. The harder then hard days, I remind myself of the Gospel. It’s like a mantra for me. “Jesus came to Earth for this. He came as a baby. He grew up. He told people about Himself. He died. He rose. He conquered death. He CONQUERED!”
There is no brokenness He cannot handle. He already handled it all. There is hope because He conquered it. There is hope because He is enough.
The other day I was reading the Bible, and I don’t think anyone is more candid and raw then King David,
“O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing;
heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O LORD-how long?
Turn, O LORD, deliver my life;
Save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
For in death there is no remembrance of you;
in Sheol who will give you praise?
I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
it grows weak because of all my foes.
Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
for the LORD has heard the sound of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my plea;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;
they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment.”
Our hearts are broken. We are so sad.
We live in the funny spiritual place. The Israelites were waiting for Jesus. Waiting for the Messiah. He came. He conquered. He also ascended. He went back to the Father, so now we, His children, wait. Wait for His return. Wait in this broken world for Him to return and to fulfill the end of the Story. It’s hard to wait, when we want the suffering to end. I guess maybe it’s selfish on my part, because my days are filled with sadness, but thinking of no more tears and being with Jesus warms my heart and gives me hope. All of this is transient. Jesus has got this and the end of the Story.
Jesus knows the number of our days, and that day was our boy’s last day.
#Jesusisenough for us and for our family. He has to be enough, He promised He would be. So, it is to Him that we cling. Tightly.